Being scared

The thing that has affected me the most about Tracey's fight with cancer is her worrying about chemotherapy. Tracey and I have been through a lot together in the last six years, and this is the first time that I have seen her seriously worried about something we are facing. Granted, dealing with cancer is not something you can take lightly -- after all, it usually is a life and dead situation! Her worrying, however, scares me -- she has such keen sense of premonition, of predicting things, that I hope what she is feeling is no more than normal jitters about an "unknown" situation.

Tomorrow will definitely be an indicator of what we can expect for the next four months. Tracey is scheduled to have eight chemotherapy sessions, one every other week. The first four sessions will be one set of drugs, and the second four sessions a different chemical. I hope all goes well and the effects on her are minimal and she can recover fully so that we can begin putting this behind us (as much as you can put cancer behind you). Of course, we know that from now on she will have to undergo regular exams to ensure that the disease is still in remission (you never quite get rid of cancer, it seems).

Another part that would scare anyone is hearing them tell you that the person you have known thus far will not be there anymore. Tracey told me Saturday:

“The Tracey you have known, that our friends and family have known, will no longer exist starting next Tuesday.”

I have the feeling that perhaps the current Tracey [strong, optimistic, loving] may emerge into an even better Tracey [stronger, more determined, more appreciative] -- at least that is what my heart hopes for!